I Want Somebody To Love Me

But I don’t want to get married.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

There was a time when I wanted to get married and have a family. I knew how many kids I wanted, and I picked out their names.

I had this fantasy of how I wanted my marriage and family life to be, and it was so exciting, I desperately wanted it to come true.

Years go by, and I continue to stay single but not out of choice. I’ve gone on dates but never had an actual relationship with anyone.

I’m the only one in my family who’s not married (besides my brother who recently got a divorce.)

The fact that I’m still single in a family of siblings and cousins who is married has become noticeable.

The question I always get asked by friends and family is, “do you have a boyfriend?”

“When are you going to settle down and find someone to marry?” or my personal favorite, “when are you going to get laid?”

I give the same reply every time. “No, I don’t” “I have no idea, probably never.” “Why are you concerned about my sex life? Pervert.”

My seven-year-old niece asked me why I’m not married, and at the time, it was a big punch in the gut.

How do I respond to that question? I’m not married because I’m ugly, that’s why!! No, I can’t say that to a seven-year-old.

Her question stuck with me and made me think of why I’m single and why I can’t seem to get men to be attracted to me.

My appearance — I’m not skinny, but I’m also not obese. I have more of a gothic style and who knows, maybe I’m hideous.

My personality — I tend to be more intense and have more of an ‘in your face’ personality that people either like it or hate it.

I can be blunt, and I can come across as closed off, but that’s just my introvert side putting up a wall for protection until I feel comfortable with opening up to people.

RBF — My resting bitch face is hardcore and makes everyone think I’m in a bad mood, or I’m a bitch.

I have no fucking idea why men don’t find me attractive and why I can’t seem to be able to get into a relationship.

I joke around saying I’m still single because men can’t handle this much woman.

But the reality is that I’m not desirable to men. For years that feeling hurt and made my self-esteem worse, and I’ve felt embarrassed over it.

I feel like my singleness has become the elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore, but it’s still on their minds.

Sick of being single, I started looking for love. I’ve been on dates with a few guys I’ve met at work.

I’ve been on several dating apps and talked to a few that seemed like there was something there and it can go somewhere.

Suddenly it stopped, all the guys ghosted me. For NO reason, they’re just gone.

That was another punch in the gut, but this time, I was pissed.

Instead of trying to figure out what I was doing wrong like last time, I decided that I’m not the problem, at least I’m not the only problem.

These men need to take responsibility and realize they’re the problem, and it doesn’t just fall upon the woman.

I tried my hardest to find someone and to find better ways with meeting people, but I wasn’t getting any positive results, so I stopped.

People might think in a way that’s giving up, and maybe it is, perhaps I did give up.

I don’t care anymore because what’s the point?

What’s the point with trying to find a guy who thinks I’m attractive and who wants to date me when I can’t find anyone.

I’m always getting passed up for someone who is skinnier than me and who is prettier than me.

I want somebody to love me.

Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

I do. But I’m not going to beat my brains out trying to find someone or trying to convince a guy that I’m a great catch and have a lot to offer in a relationship.

If I have to beg and to pursue someone, then it’s not going to work out. I’ve come to realize that I’m not ready to get married and I don’t even know if I want to get married.

I don’t know if that’s right for me. I have a lot of dreams I want to accomplish, and I have a better chance of doing that single.

What if I get into a relationship or a marriage and the guy has no desire to accomplish those dreams with me.

It’s not for him, and he’s not into that. Now what?

Do I give up my chance of accomplishing my dreams and goals because my partner doesn’t want to participate?

I don’t want to have to throw away my goals because of my partner. That’s not fair to me, and I shouldn’t have to do that, so I’m not.

I don’t want to get married because I’m tired of trying to find someone, I’m tired of not discovering somebody to love me, and I don’t want to give up my dreams to get married.

Things might be different.

I might find someone who wants to accomplish those dreams with me, who wants to make those memories together, but I don’t want to take that risk.

I don’t want to risk getting married only to find out I have to give up my dreams.

I don’t like being 31, single and living with my parents but I’m willing to deal with that to do the things I want to do.

To achieve my goals and to accomplish my dreams.

I’m willing to stay single and have people ask me those common questions of why I’m still single and when I’m going to get married.

Being able to say that I achieved my goals will be worth it, and I can’t wait to make those memories.

JennyB is a freelance content writer, blogger, and 3X Sepsis survivor. She’s also a Golden Girls enthusiast and Las Vegas fanatic. She writes about the daily struggles of living with chronic pain. She’s currently working on her Bachelor’s in Communication through BYU-I online. She is an advocate for survivors of Sepsis, Eating Disorders, and Sexual Assault and raises awareness through her writing. She hopes her writing will help the survivors she advocates for, and people who struggle with chronic pain. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

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Writer of self-help and personal development| Chronic Pain Sufferer| 3X Sepsis Survivor| https://linktr.ee/jennybwriter

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